killing someone in love

This is my new favorite thing to say, not because I want to kill anyone, but because I'm a huge fan of both sarcasm and silliness in general. The first time I heard this said was my sister hating on some person who probably dindn't even deserve it though I can't be sure, anyway she pretty much told how much she disliked this person and finished it with: "uuuhhh! they're just one of those people who I want to kill in love!" Of course she couldn't end that with: "I want to kill them," because we're Christans and that is infact very un-Christlike to say that, but I've discovered that if you add love to anything, then immediately Christlike, even holy. Take this for instance

"I want to shoot that person in the knee," not very holy right?
"I want to shoot that person int the knee with love in my heart," well that's super holy!

Of course I'm encouraging agressive behavior or thoughts, I'm just saying that if you really don't like someone, then insead of making everyone around you assume that you are a crazy person, say you want to punch them in the face in love. This somehow makes it okay, I'm not sure how, but it does. So the next time you want to shank someone, make sure you threaten it in love.

the unspoken prayer request

I never really understood why they do this, churches I mean. Typically, it will go something like this: pastor asks for any prayer requests, people share theirs and then the pastor says, "do we have any unvoiced or unspoken requests today?" and it seems like half of the people in church raise thier hands, then the pastor prays. What I don't get is why he doesn't just pray for any unspoken prayer requests anyway. I always kinda felt like those people who raise their hands were trying to communicate just how hardcore thier prayer request really was,"My prayer request is to awesome to audibly say, if I did then your head would probably explode". They probably don't actually think that, but it's the impression that I sometimes get, which is probably bad, and god will probably smite me with a bolt of firelightning,(which is a lethal combo of both fire and lightning) and then my family will be forced to voice an unspoken prayer request for my pagan soul that was smited with said firelightning, unvoiced of course because the pastors head would probably explode. Proof that God has not only a sense of humor but also a thick coat of irony as well. 

The old testament rated M

If your not familiar with game ratings, They go E through M, (if you don't count EC and AO which are so rare that it's stupid to talk about include them) E for everyone meaning there will be no offensive content, and M for mature meaning that you can expect a bloodbath in video game form. And believe me, the old testament would be rated M. Don't believe me? go read it, and I'm not just talking about the obscure stories, read David and Goliath, after David kills Goliath, he takes out his sword and chops his head off like a boss. Seriously, the old testament is filled with battles and fight scenes that rival Braveheart and Saving Private Ryan in the gore area. Jezebel gets eaten by dogs and all they find is her skull and hands, Elijah calls down bears to eat some kids who had a problem with bald people, Absalom gets caught in a tree by his hair and then gets speared to death, and a whole lot more. So if a game ever comes out about the old testament expect it to be rated M.

Being on fire for God....literally.

Word fads. They come, they go, and I'm seeing a new one on the horizon: "literally". Yes it is coming, coming to invade your sentences and muddle them with misguided meanings that suggest being set ablaze by our heavenly father...who loves us dearly. I'm not kidding here, okay I'll just tell the story. I recently went on a mission trip that was lead by teenagers employed by the our mission organization, and they were cool, don't get me wrong, but their grammar was less than exemplary. Take this prayer for instance: "God just come down on us and just, just, set us on fire for you just, LITERALLY set us on fire for you God." So you can see why I gave some pause to this, So then I found myself shot blocking the prayer and saying: "you know what God, I'm all for being set on fire for you, in a strictly spiritual sense of course, but when it comes to a physical sense of you striking me with fire from heaven I'm not so on board on that one, so I would appreciate if you could hold off on that "literal" fire and just strike me with spiritual fire, please." So the next time your about to use the word literally, think about what your implying, and make sure it's not setting someone on fire.