killing someone in love

This is my new favorite thing to say, not because I want to kill anyone, but because I'm a huge fan of both sarcasm and silliness in general. The first time I heard this said was my sister hating on some person who probably dindn't even deserve it though I can't be sure, anyway she pretty much told how much she disliked this person and finished it with: "uuuhhh! they're just one of those people who I want to kill in love!" Of course she couldn't end that with: "I want to kill them," because we're Christans and that is infact very un-Christlike to say that, but I've discovered that if you add love to anything, then immediately Christlike, even holy. Take this for instance

"I want to shoot that person in the knee," not very holy right?
"I want to shoot that person int the knee with love in my heart," well that's super holy!

Of course I'm encouraging agressive behavior or thoughts, I'm just saying that if you really don't like someone, then insead of making everyone around you assume that you are a crazy person, say you want to punch them in the face in love. This somehow makes it okay, I'm not sure how, but it does. So the next time you want to shank someone, make sure you threaten it in love.

the unspoken prayer request

I never really understood why they do this, churches I mean. Typically, it will go something like this: pastor asks for any prayer requests, people share theirs and then the pastor says, "do we have any unvoiced or unspoken requests today?" and it seems like half of the people in church raise thier hands, then the pastor prays. What I don't get is why he doesn't just pray for any unspoken prayer requests anyway. I always kinda felt like those people who raise their hands were trying to communicate just how hardcore thier prayer request really was,"My prayer request is to awesome to audibly say, if I did then your head would probably explode". They probably don't actually think that, but it's the impression that I sometimes get, which is probably bad, and god will probably smite me with a bolt of firelightning,(which is a lethal combo of both fire and lightning) and then my family will be forced to voice an unspoken prayer request for my pagan soul that was smited with said firelightning, unvoiced of course because the pastors head would probably explode. Proof that God has not only a sense of humor but also a thick coat of irony as well. 

The old testament rated M

If your not familiar with game ratings, They go E through M, (if you don't count EC and AO which are so rare that it's stupid to talk about include them) E for everyone meaning there will be no offensive content, and M for mature meaning that you can expect a bloodbath in video game form. And believe me, the old testament would be rated M. Don't believe me? go read it, and I'm not just talking about the obscure stories, read David and Goliath, after David kills Goliath, he takes out his sword and chops his head off like a boss. Seriously, the old testament is filled with battles and fight scenes that rival Braveheart and Saving Private Ryan in the gore area. Jezebel gets eaten by dogs and all they find is her skull and hands, Elijah calls down bears to eat some kids who had a problem with bald people, Absalom gets caught in a tree by his hair and then gets speared to death, and a whole lot more. So if a game ever comes out about the old testament expect it to be rated M.

Being on fire for God....literally.

Word fads. They come, they go, and I'm seeing a new one on the horizon: "literally". Yes it is coming, coming to invade your sentences and muddle them with misguided meanings that suggest being set ablaze by our heavenly father...who loves us dearly. I'm not kidding here, okay I'll just tell the story. I recently went on a mission trip that was lead by teenagers employed by the our mission organization, and they were cool, don't get me wrong, but their grammar was less than exemplary. Take this prayer for instance: "God just come down on us and just, just, set us on fire for you just, LITERALLY set us on fire for you God." So you can see why I gave some pause to this, So then I found myself shot blocking the prayer and saying: "you know what God, I'm all for being set on fire for you, in a strictly spiritual sense of course, but when it comes to a physical sense of you striking me with fire from heaven I'm not so on board on that one, so I would appreciate if you could hold off on that "literal" fire and just strike me with spiritual fire, please." So the next time your about to use the word literally, think about what your implying, and make sure it's not setting someone on fire.

remembering that you can ask God for anything

This initially hit me when I read psalms 3, which says: "strike the jaw of my enemies oh Lord, break the teeth of the wicked." I don't know if you caught that, but David is pretty much asking God to punch somebody in the face, and break their teeth while he while he's at it. I think this is the best example of intimate faith and trust in God, because I don't know about you, but I usually think twice about asking God to wallop somebody directly in the face, but that just me. David however, had both a close enough relationship with God, and enough faith in him, that he was confident that God both could and would do it for him, and that's a lot of faith, an insane amount that I aspire to have at one point in my life, and I think we all should.

Having a cool name for your youth group

This is a tactic for stealing people from other churches. I mean capturing the attention of today's youth through creative and imaginative idioms. But in all seriousness, this is getting pretty big in the church world. In my experience, If you can get a name that makes no sense until you elaborate on it,(Strate up, Projekt urban life, Etc.) and if you can get said name down to one word,(bonus points if you can make it an acronym, those things rock.) but if you can't do that, try to misspell a word or two,(projekt, ekstreem, strate, Etc.) it'll draw some serious youths. Trust me, name it and they will come, like moths to flame, like flies to a dead thing, like.... wow, I felt really confident going into that. Anyway, there are some serious followers of this book of youth group awesomeness. And expect me publish a book exactly like that: "Projekt ekstreem strateness, the ultimate guide to youth group outreach awesomeness." I'll make hundreds.

wanting fame.....for Jesus.

If I'm not wrong, then we all do this, a lot. I do it all the time, I think about when I become famous (it'll happen, count on it) how I'll be playin' basketball with the president, dunkin' on his Delegates, then I'll complement im' on political etiquette- wait, forget the last 19 words just happened, that's for my essay about being a billionaire. but seriously, we always fantasize about being famous and rich, then justify it by throwing out a shout out to Jesus at the end of the daydream, then we decide it sounds good and we decide to use it in our Grammy speech, and it's all good. I think that we make God hurt a little whenever we think like this, because even if he has blessed us with incredible musical or athletic ability, we decide that it would be better used for our glory instead of his, and that right there is a whole lot of pride that can do us bad, really bad.

Drop-kicking Satan in the face.

I'm not entirely sure how this works, but it sounded good on the title and that's what I'm going with. When I chose the title for this post I got a hilarious image of my pastor jumping from the pulpit, running full speed towards the back (where Satan hangs out by the way, ppfffft c'mon everybody knows that.) jumping in the air, leveling out feet first and then connecting with such force that Satan drops his cigarette..... I laughed for like 5 minutes straight. I chose the drop-kick because It's one of the most hardcore moves that one can preform on another person, but also because it requires more commitment and sacrifice then any other assault that I could think of, I mean seriously, the only thing that a punch requires in the realm of personal sacrifice is 5 seconds of spare time which is not very hard to muster, and maybe a little skin off the knuckles (This doesn't matter for me of course since my pain tolerance is so high) while the drop-kick, on the other hand requires you -as described before-  to sail through the air and, once the move is complete, fall to the ground in a definite let down of an ending. What I'm trying to say is that we need to give up a little bit of our own lives if we want to show up Satan in a display of awesome action movie caliber martial arts, spiritual of course. But seriously, be hardcore for Jesus, give up some time, sacrifice a little, drop-kick Satan in the face.

The Bible mongoose.

Do you know what a mongoose is? They're pretty awesome, little ferocious creatures that literally fight cobras. Seriously, they stand on their hind legs and hiss and bite and go all gangsta on em'. A Bible mongoose shares some of the trademark characteristics of a real mongoose while they do bible study/small group/Sunday morning service. This type of christian is not hard to pick out in a crowd, but if you do have trouble, here's some of the things that are a giveaway: Look for anxious twitching right before the pastor gives the verse to look up, then when he does come out with it, the bible mongoose will attack the word of God so quickly and with such ferocity that there is no mistaking them for anything else. Also, expect they're bible to be worn thin and falling apart from use 24/7, but that's not a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination. With the rise of iPads and other devices, this is slowly becoming a harder tactic, but I've honed my skill to the point that I am now confident that I can find any bible mongoose anywhere ever. Look for Bible mongooses in your church, believe me, they're there, you just have to find them.